Fugo's page

my name is fugo. i'm an introject of pannacotta fugo from jojo's bizarre adventure but don't fucking try to call me by my given name. i'm a little older than my source considering the time i've spent here - i'm 18 now, and writing this sentence on my birthday (2024.02.05). unlike my source, i'm genderfluid and use she/her/hers and he/him/his pronouns near interchangeably. the role i hold in the system, if anything, is some kind of trauma holder. not even like, collective trauma, just my own. it's fucked. i understand how this disorder works and how my existence is technically proxy for things we can't process, but it's still messed up to experience textbook PTSD and depression symptoms when almost no-one else here does and for things that didn't happen to me in our body. last year i would have said i was a persecutor alongside being a trauma holder, but i've been a lot better about keeping bad urges in check recently. still fucking depressed, though. i do do some functional maintenance where it needs to be done when i'm around, like being around when we're at work, and often i'm tasked with homework because i'm decent at it and often have ...some patience for it. not a lot, but more than most.

my relationship with my sourcemates is complicated because i fucked it up. something something i'm traumatized and feel abandoned and almost everyone i knew died and i feel like i should have died instead. so i pushed everyone away because i feel fucking horrible. they still tolerate me and i still don't get why. i just feel... bad. i guess. a lot of me being present is distracting myself from depression.

my interests include alternative music (ranging from the 80s to now, but my favourite stuff is angsty new wave)*, alternative fashion in an adjacent vein (especially if the clothing is layered and/or distressed), fiber arts, science videos, media analysis (text in particular), and visual arts.

in my free time i am often on tumblr - you can find my page here, a lot of it is related to my interests and the rest of it is probably me being angry or sad. (be warned, though, there may be art of/that resembles gore and viscera. so if that puts you off, maybe don't look). other things i do with my free time include listening to music, watching nilered chemistry videos, dressing goth, fiber arts (crochet, knit, embroidery, felting), drawing, sudoku, and playing keyboard.

music i like

• the smiths - the smiths have been my favourite band for a long time. there's something incredibly relatable in the melancholy they capture, from sardonic disdain and disconnect to longing and loneliness to desolation and suicidality. their literary angle on lyrics allows for compelling intertextuality with other works. the interpersonal vignettes painted feel real and relatable regardless of the degree to which i have experienced them, and when they hit home, they hit hard. johnny marr's musicianship is incredible and has shaped my taste in guitar music, and his style choices have significantly impacted mine as well. i am a proponent of the "johnny marr motown girl group bouffant" and that plus his accessory choices plus his relatively preppy style were formative to me when i was younger and definitely a step wading into the pool of androgyny. favourite song: there is a light that never goes out
• the manic street preachers - of course the incredibly troubled, angry, gender-confused italian teenage university reject who had no autonomy until he had all of it is compelled by a politically-charged, literary, arty, gender-subverting welsh rock band, alive but haunted by the ghost of their lyricist. i was quite surprised to find that recently (writing this 2024.09.03) the manic street preachers are catching up to the smiths as a hypothetical favourite very quickly. i liked them before, but listening to their album the holy bible shot them way up my mental list. james dean bradfield and sean moore are incredibly talented musicians, and both richey james and nicky wire's lyrics are poignant and often very charged. they don't hit the minute personal experiences that the smiths do but they hit in very particular places, such as commentary on specific events, or personal vignettes that cling to something deep in your chest. they also take the intertexutality i brought up in my comments on the Smiths to an entirely different level, using not only literary references but samples of texts they are referencing in their songs, namedrops of well-known figures, shirts printed with holzeresque slogans, their choices of art and images to include alongside an album, and a customary quote printed with each album. the androgynous presentation of most of the band but in particular richey james and nicky wire reflects very much an iteration on my own style, with the blouses and varied textural elements, but particularly in the hair and makeup department, with their messy, spiky hair and smudgy eye makeup. and in richey's case, scars. what i meant earlier by the band being "haunted" is that richey's lyricism had an increasing darkness as albums went on, culminating in the holy bible as his swansong before his disappearance. the band's leaving a space on stage for him for many years and use of the remainder of his lyrics posthumously on 2009's journal for plague lovers both highlight his lost presence. even though the manics very much aren't a goth band, i find it gives a somewhat gothic tone to their work to have the emaciated ghost of an androgynous, troubled poetic genius** present. favourite song: yes
• rook + nomie - i find i am not usually into music that leans electronic, yet this collaborative work between ada rook and riley rossi is enthralling. they do incorporate elements of guitar on some tracks, which is what initially drew us& into their work, but what sticks with me most is ada rook's vocal delivery, the production done on said vocal tracks, and particularly, her lyricism. on quite a few tracks by the duo, rook uses this vocal fry scream to deliver the lyrics, some of which is overlaid with melodic vocals or contrasted immediately next to them, often to convey dissonance between what she wants to express versus the outward mask, and sometimes reflects an extreme version of the "loud/quiet/loud" alternative style in the 90s, creating the vocal equivalent of being submerged alternatingly by heated water and ice water. along with rook's lyrics, the dissonance in vocal delivery styles is commentating on her experiences being trans, having all of these feelings that need to get out yet being expected to hold it all in and present in a palatable feminine way so that she may be taken seriously. this work (and especially her later work with devi mccallion under the moniker black dresses) is an expression of refusal to adhere to this expectation. along with this theme, her lyrics, which are floral and articulate in her diction and emotionally poignant, also dwell heavily on themes of mental health, and coping with trauma or being unable to, which i find personally relatable, and in tandem with the delivery, cathartic. favourite song: daydream
• addendum: as we have been listening to more of rook's solo work, i have quite taken to her album 2,020 knives.
• the cure - [...] favourite song: TBD
• skunk anansie - [...] favourite song: i can dream
• petrol girls - [...] favourite song: TBD
• the cranberries - [...] favourite song: twenty one
• placebo - [...] favourite song: then the clouds will open for me
• anohni and the johnsons - [...] favourite song: TBD
• jeff buckley - [...] favourite song: TBD
• stabbing westward - [...] favourite song: TBD
• joy division - [...] favourite song: TBD
• sonic youth - [...] favourite song: tunic (song for karen)
• nine inch nails - [...] favourite song: TBD

*fuck you, right now as i'm writing this out i don't care that the term "alternative" only came to refer to music styles in the 90s and before that it was referred to as "modern rock" or "college rock". i mean it as a retrospective umbrella term here.

**the band has called him a genius, it's not my word choice and not a word i use lightly.

page last updated on 2024.09.03